I’m 26 years old and I finally feel like I’m finally figuring out basic life skills. It’s actually really embarrassing.
I realized it when I was writing a piece about how hard it was to keep writing even though you didn’t feel creative.
That’s just life sometimes though, isn’t it? Going into work every day isn’t easy. Even if you absolutely love your job, every once in a while there are days when you just don’t want to do it, but you still go in because it’s your job and that’s what you’re supposed to do.
Since my senior year of high school, I prioritized enjoyment. I’d work until something didn’t bring me joy or I found something that brought me more joy.
Writing coming super easy? Awesome, I’ll do that non-stop until it becomes hard and then I’ll stop doing it. I’ll binge-watch this TV show until I’m bored with it. I didn’t get a chance to start dinner because I decided to read another chapter instead of taking a break.
I look at my life and I’m frustrated. If I only would have kept going, stayed focused, or sacrificed a little bit more I could be in a completely different situation. I’m all for self-care and taking a break now and then to focus on myself, but the degree I was doing it wasn’t healthy.
I now have a very real fear that I’m not going to be anything. That the only thing I really did in my life was exist. I know that the life expectancy for people in the United States is currently 80 years. So, it’s not like I’ve completely wasted my life, there’s so much more time left.
It’s hard to feel like I’m not at the end of the line though. I’ve spent the eight years of my life after high school just existing. There are people younger than me who are activists and inventing things. Shouldn’t I be in my prime? Should I even expect to have a “prime” now?
A t times I feel like I’m backed up against a wall and the only option I have is to push forward as hard as I possibly can. Harder than I’ve ever worked and tried before.
I’m probably really lucky that I feel the need to work so hard. It sucks feeling like I’ve wasted so much, but it’s been a powerful motivator to keep me going. I know I’ve shut down before when things got too hard.
I’m hoping that I can keep this determination on improvement. I’m hoping that in the future I can look back and be proud of the things I’ve done. Maybe I’ll even have some tips on helping others keep going.
No matter what age you are, have you ever felt like you wasted time or that you weren’t going to be anything? How did you cope with these emotions? They’re hard feeling to deal with and I know not everyone will have the same experience I’ve had. Let me know in the comment section below! Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you, even if it’s just listening to you.
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Thank you for reading. Please be kind to one another and have a good day!